True Happiness.. 23-June-09

Few years back, the trick of how a self-help book could change your life used to work for me. I used to run to the self-help shelves whenever I walked into a bookshop and scan all the books on it. I’d then pick one, buy it, read it and feel the change it made to my way of thinking. Nowadays, when I pass by the self-help shelves I’d go like: read that, read that, read that while pointing my finger to most of the best-seller self-help that I already read: The Power of Positive Thinking, The Secret, The Power of Now, How to be Amazing, Instant Confidence, The Optimist’s Handbook, Life, De-junk Your Mind, Smart Women Finish Rich etc. You name it. And it worked. But for some reason, that trick doesn’t work for me anymore. I don’t know if I’m growing out of it, or that I read many of them that I reached a point where it’s all a cliché to me; been there done that.

It has come to my notice that those kinds of articles and books got widely spread since the financial crisis started. Pick any magazine, there must be a headline on the cover “Happiness doesn’t cost a thing”, “10 ways to boost yourself confidence”, “How to keep your spirit high when the world is down” etc. Now I can’t argue if those articles have any effect on people on the western world. But I’m sure that about 90% of what’s written in all those books and articles doesn’t work for us here in the Arab World or the Gulf in specific.

Let’s take an example: Happiness can be found by having a short walk in the park. First of all, a walk in this sizzling hot weather is suicide. And even if the weather is fine, we don’t have proper parks. If we decide to convince ourselves that those “parks” we have are good enough where the grass is dead and brown with pale palm trees that keep getting in your way and ba3oo’6 flying all around, some guys will pass by and start flirting in the cheapest way possible. If not, some women will come around and stare at you from head to toe. So how can a walk be a source of happiness when we live in a desert with “bado” mentality still existing?

Another example: Happiness can be found in a fine cup of coffee. Ok I agree with that if I was having that cup at home or in a coffee place. But I believe that the joy in coffee comes from the act of walking into a coffee place, ordering your favorite drink and walking out with a take out cup in your hand. I tried doing that several times. In Europe and America it worked perfectly for me. But let me tell you what happens when I do that in here. I drive my car to a coffee place (notice that I’m not saying Starbucks, although it is Starbucks), I struggle to find a parking, and when I do find one I walk under the sun till I get there all sweaty, while placing the order some guy will come infront of me and order since the concept of “queue” doesn’t exist here. I’d then order with a red face (out of anger and sun), take my number and wait for the coffee to be ready till a Pilipino guy screams my number, “where is your number” he’d ask, “In the dust bin” I’d say, “but we need to see it” he’d say, I’d pick up my cup ignorantly, take a plastic cover and walk away in frustration. Back in my car I put my cup in the cup holder, I wouldn’t be able to drink it because it got even hotter than it was before because of the very high degree outside. When I start driving the cup starts going left and right and the coffee drips around the cup. I’d drive with one hand and hold a tissue around the cup. And when it’s finally time to sit back and enjoy my coffee I find myself out of the mood. Who can enjoy a hot cup of coffee in a desert-nature land that goes up to 50 degrees in the summer after all? Cold coffee is not the answer!

Third example: Happiness can be found in long drives. Ok, the longest drive in Bahrain is like 20 minutes! Unless you want to keep spinning around! But who would want to do that in that crazy traffic that keeps getting worse every other day. The behavior on the road is changing, drivers are always speeding in frustration, and horns are always honked even when it’s unnecessary. We now avoid driving when possible to avoid all the driving stress. A drive is obviously not a good way to relax and enjoy the ride.

Fourth: A day by the beach connects you with Mother Nature, the biggest source of happiness. I’ve got one comment about that: the closest proper beach is in Dubai! And the only element of nature that I can see is dust!

I have so many examples that roam around my head all the time. If we put the culture aside, we notice that there are much bigger differences between the East and the West which is the environment and atmosphere. There is no doubt how this has a direct effect on our moods and feelings. Going to work by public transportation, where you sit back and read a book is not the same as driving a car to work under the heating sun and frustrating traffic.

But if those simple common things are not available to us it doesn’t mean that happiness doesn’t exist here. We have the strongest and deepest source of happiness which is warmth of family and the love we feel from people around us. We connect with each other in so many different ways. Our families are huge and our circle of friends is wide. And that is what matters by the end of the day, to love and to be loved.

Let’s look into this example, a typical Friday evening at my grandmother’s house: The kids would be running around and screaming, my uncles would be concentrating on TV, probably watching American Idol or a football match, they’d break their concentration every other while to shush the kids, one of my aunts would walk around holding a cup of tea and talking on her mobile, other aunts and their sisters in law would be standing on a corner discussing last night’s wedding or explaining how’s someone who died is related to someone they know, my mum would be praying and I’d be sitting on one side with a book on my lap.

It would be time for dinner then, we’d all squeeze in the kitchen, some of us would be standing up since there is no enough chairs for all of us. Funny random comments would be said about a certain dish or the way one of us is eating. You’d hear laughs, kids crying, parents yelling all at the same time. And after dinner comes everyone’s favorite part: Tea time. Each one of us would have a cup of milk tea and dip all kind of fresh baked bakery goodies in it. My aunt would then turn to me and ask: “So when are you getting married?”

Now if we compare this example to one of the examples mentioned above, this feeling of belonging and warmth cannot be compared to a walk in the park or the pleasure of having a cup of coffee. Of course it falls under another category, but that is where we get our power and energy from. If self meditating is their source of happiness then socializing is ours.

Let’s take another example, a typical Wednesday evening: Our group of friends would gather in one of our houses. It’s a tradition that has been going on for years. We do nothing but talk and eat. The same topics would come up and be discussed every week: traveling, marriage, crazy imaginations of how we’d be when we grow old and grey, e-mails that we received throughout the week, strange real stories (Aysha’s specialty) etc. And just the fact that Wednesday is around the corner eases the dryness of the week and breaks the weekdays' routine.

We do need good parks, nice weather, proper beaches and high standard public transportation. We even need our people to mind their own business. It is a known fact how our very unhealthy way of living is causing us health problems. We spend most of our time socializing instead of working out and having enough hours of sleep. But what we really need is to dig deep inside of our hearts and not into those useless self-help books and articles to realize the real meaning of happiness. It’s the support you get when you’re in trouble, how the hospital gets filled with visitors when you get sick, how you find yourself surrounded by caring people in sad times and moments of joy. That is true happiness.